out in maine

well ive left boston and entered maine, portland,a place ive talked about for years and boy was it nice driving up the road seeing the welcome sign to maine. we've spent a night here, about to become a second, and we've got the whole of tomorrow to fuck around, day after we're outa here. nice little place really from what i've seen.

thoughts on boston 2

sitting in a hotel room with an hour 20 left on the timer before checkout. no breakfast included. we're downtown. earlier on we were hearing alot of sirens. i guess that was ok. but yeah, we've been booked in some faraway place. might suck, who knows, its south of watertown, so its way out there.

hade another call from kirby. he doesn't know i'll be changing my number soon. it'll be interesting when that day does roll around. i don't know. it'll be rough. i guess there's alot of emotions left to get out. like the guy was there through alot of shit. and i mean, those emotions seem to take priority over my modern outrage over the hospital incident. i guess you could say there's unfinished business. of what kind, im not sure. but we spent alot of time together. like, iknow he's gay. but it's like, i'm not. so there's boundaries as to how good a friend we could be. plus he's got that raging depression that makes it super hard to really talk to the kid. but yeah. i dont know. and then the negativism. like he'll shoot a million holes in you, he used to do that all the time, now he holds back, and you can tell it's an effort for him hah. he's trying not to be an asshole on the phone, even though its kinda hard, since he has so many ways he's actually being one.

but yeah, why the hell does this guy have such a hold over me. this dude, who i hung with during mvs. is he just simply my connection to the past? i recently found a thing on facebook, it was of mvs, and it was like all these kids faces who i recognized, none whom i'd really tried contacting. well, i did, all of them, years ago, but none bothered to respond. that was a real bummer. but then, i guess i went to a tiny school with few folks that i generally got along with. after all, in a school of 200, and a class of 50, there's hardly any fringe element. but yeah. that's me. i never really got into the whole do all the shit thing. i just read a post by a girl whose mother worked at mvs and went there her entire life. she was in various clubs and sports, as well as drama. and i was thinking to myself... wow. i did none of that. and its like, this is essentially what i missed out on. beyond doing a few music things here and there, there was hardly anything that i really got involved in. like, other peoples folks, they'd encourage them, mine really wouldn't though. they'd just constantly give up on me.

and now we've been talking together anita and i on giving up on people. how its just probably one of the worst things a person could do. never give up on someone. especialy if youre in a relationship with them. giving up on someone is like basically making a statement without the verbatim words that you're done and want to end the relationship. that's essentially what it breaks down to.

for whatever reason it's still rough for me to think about, and talk to, old highschool friends. maybe kirby has never moved on, that definately makes it hard for me to do so. no job, no education, and he's got a certain depression about it too. i mean yeah

thoughts on boston

so, we've been here a couple days. it's been interesting. few trips to the beach. couple drives down the busy streets. even broke down and took a tour bus thing, which turned out ok. been in two, soon to be three hotels so far, four if you count the place we stayed @ just outside of town on the way over here, and five if you add in the buffalo stayover on the ride over. we've taken quite a few pictures, and we've had quite a few talks. there's been fights, and fun. laughter, and tears. and we've both seen new things.

i just caught some michael jackson vids on the screen, i'd checked out some of the memorial stuff i'd missed lately which'd been shown for his death put on in the staples center in LA cali for a cost of about a million and a half.

we've been out to the ocean a few times and its nice, i love the sound of the waves, plus the... well... the sand, the sea creatures, it's just nice, it's calming, and there's just something about it that adds something to my life i feel like i've been missing. i couldn't really describe it, only it's the same feel i had over in aberdeen overlooking the north sea, there's something majestic about the ocean, something that puts it all into perspective when you gaze into the water that covers most of the earths surface. where we supposedly emerged from. where most live lives today. and where we pollute, and that which may floor our coastlines should global warming happen on the scale necessary for caps to melt.

ive been surprised by the campuses of our local schools, harvard was relatively spaced apart, with cambridge being a bit of a ghetto. the beach, revere beach, with the trainstation oddly bearing the name "wonderland" which had me think of some photos with anita perhaps being captioned "alice in-". the outside ends of the city seem more to be full of latinos, which is good i suppose, since like, they once did occupy this entire country, and this being a historic city, having a large population of spanish-indigenous background folks is a sign of the times. on the other hand the indian folks in town seem strange, uptight, paranoid, and just uncomfortable. i don't share their dispostion, though i wonder if i will in time become like them. will the city turn me into a wide-eyed and anxious indian? perhaps balding too. i didn't realize it was so bad hah.

the traffic's been a mess. we've had a collision, the rear bumper'll likely need tobe replaced. not my fault, just a toll booth fiasco. apparently they have merge lanes that basically amount to folks standing in freeways indicating, nosing their cars into cracks between cars next to them. accidents are bound to happen. but mine came from the rear, meaning a driver not paying attention slamming into the back of my car.

boston is certainly a packed in city. meaning, there's alot of stuff, and not alot of space. people seem to tend to be in a hurry, although i have picked up on some who tend to be more like beaten down and to themselves. i could see myself kinda being a third element, keep to myself, performer, or whatever i end up being, but not of the city, more performing there, working there, but not living there. whilst a residence could be had in boston, if i spend most of my time in my work, the shoulder rubs of average bostonians would be kept to a minimum. a sort of michael jackson-esque life.

which brings me back to the king of pop. i see how energized his music is, and i think of my own stuff. i see a paralell, whereas when someone has something that bothers them, they let itout, perhaps somtimes explosively, perhaps in song. and i can see myself doing the michael jackson thing, getting into shape, using all my body in my performance, going 100 percent as if i were say playing in a raid, only it'd be a performance, getting perhaps into dance, perhaps more hardcore into the song, perhaps better toned in the body, and just generally keeping it expressive, whilst also maintaining humanity. the truth is, its easy to bellow, but hard to do so from the heart. michael jackson kept that connection to his humanity and thats what made his powerful bellows bear weight. i hope to do the same with my own work, and i guess that means that yes, i still do want to stick with music. michael jackson seems to show me the way of how to do it while keeping it energetic and also tied to an emotional base, which is a good thing, real-world, and generally deep, but that it can be done in an energetic way as well as a calm one.

this sort of ties into my observations of people in general. in related matter, anita has kinda gotten over her shame thing, but a self-sadness thing seems to be next on the chopping block, meaning little to no work done so far, but progress seems doable. essentially she's making herself sad when she does stuff. like... it's just something that shouldn't really be happening, but is. she shouldn't be making herself be sad. like... thats exactly what shuts a person down. then there's another thing where she'll give up on people, perhaps even herself. this's bad because in a relationship or even in life, you can't give up on your relation or yourself. say if in school, giving up is suicide. or perhaps in a field, giving up can kill the dream. so in any realm of pursuit, one cannot give up. stick to it, see it through, and then determine ones opinion upon completion. now giving up doesnt necessarily mean you cannot remove yourself from a commitment persay, but it does mean that if you do such a removal that you have a viable alternative lined up, that moreso to the point that alternative is the motivation of removal from the primary.

so boston's a crazy place, there's some ghetto's, some history, it's all laced up together. and it's interesting how the ghetto's kicked out to the north and south are filled with few whites, while the city center with big spender fodder tends to be white populated. im surprised and really appalled and disgusted but mostly displeased with the way that breaks down. there are some tall ships as they call them, sailing ships that were built long ago. fourth of july came and went, while we huddled in a rat infested hotel room with splendid internet connection. traded out the rat and net for a rodent free net restricted costly tower of a place. not necessarily the perfect trade.

but generally yeah, its a cool place. i like the beach. hte coast is a neat thing to have around someone whilst one lives and studies and all that. its just one of those natural things that awes you. its no iceland, but its something. i guess i need something like that to keep me sane, or something resembling it. then there's the history, it's like mining this country to its core, benjimin franklin statues and gravesites, oldest school, boat, you name it, they've got it. seafood, capital of new england. direct flights to iceland, england. its a sweet deal. plus a school that'll take me and teach me, degree me and pass me off to another greater institution. it just seems like a great place.

death-sadness

alright so...
im thinking there's a few possibilities here

i may have like, a moment where i realized all the shit i went through seemed a hell of alot more real than it has in the past and suddenly that made me conceptualize either vivek kirby or myself in a position of death and i had a personal mini crisis regarding where i would end up once i die

you may have had a mini crisis faced with the thoughtful possibility of my death or perhaps my need for help which then unnerved you for having to provide such a supportive role in such an uncharacteristic way, which makes you feel weird

you might have gotten such a bad influence from depressed mom & sister, depressed sister and two brothers, and bad background, plus crazy grandma, and sociopath grandfather, that its rough for you to imagine a god or a spirituality of any time without really having major hangups about it

so its like
your mom & family influence
or like your fear of being supportive

but perhaps there's residual effects from never mourning the death of your girlfriend so long ago, something that bothered you months ago, and now you seem fine, but there still seems to be a lingering sadness with regards to the death topic. thats what im not liking.

death-sadness can be a blanket depression that puts a dampner on your life. fear of death can be a subtle mute on life. or general sadness given the malaise or perhaps even nihilistic ending to something you once saw as gay and merry might've been a shock to the system and something that generally killed belief, like once maybe you were upbeat and chipper but unrelenting sarcasm and shit of friends killed your belief for the fanciful, and eventually you ended up cornered by nihilistic beliefs. maybe this kinda like, had you facing down a belief you didn't want, but you felt you had to accept, so in the end this made you feel sad, although you never moved to the part where you coldly accepted it, instead you just continued to feel quite sad.

well, im here in boston

at least in a hotel. nothing really feels all that different. i mean yeah, ive noticed a few things, a few people. i stood on the ocean a few days ago. i guess the main thing is i havent really written much lately so there's alot ot catch up on. millie called, i asked her to, i caught her on aim and said hi, the conversation got intereting and i just told her to call me. so she did, and we had a long convo, and i hung up feeling ripped to shreds. basically conservative friend01 strikes again heh. so yeah, spent a few days talking to anita about that. and uh, another big thing, we decided to go to boston. well i wkoe anita up and wanted her to stay awake, so i told her we're going to boston heh. so we did. and now we're here. weird reason to go to boston i suppose, but then, its nice to have a weird reason that has nothing to do with the big old; TRYING TO FIND A COLLEGE bullshit.

beavercreek to buffalo to springfield to boston

it's been a long road, but we're here. in our hotel, on a saturday morning. with nothing to bother us but ourselves. we've driven for three days. this is our third morning in a hotel. this is our fourth day on our trip. it's awesome. we're here, in boston.

so we're just outside of town, in a motel 8. we had the bad luck of getting here during 4th of july. i totally missed it. so the towns overbooked and traffic'll likely get bad.

driving through town i noticed how there were mostly white folk walking around. however when i took 1a outa town immediately i began seeing shitloads of hispanic folks. to me it was pretty fuckin crazy. but yeah. @ the breakfast this morning we had this dude, his wife and son, sitting at the table behind us. and you could tell he was paranoid as fuck. just kept staring at me hah, and probably everyone else. even his son did the same shit. and yesterday whilst we were looking for hotels, one guy told us to go down 20 west, that there were shitloads of hotels there. well we followed it, and it ran us right out of town. heh. douchebag. and then the second place we rolled up on told me it was now a privately owned place. and had this sort of arrogance to him that just really wasnt warrented. but yeah, if the best western sign is proudly displayed on top, then whats the big deal. but yeah. the dude sounded shady. i asked him who owned it now, he said "private interests". crazy shit heh. but yeah, we drove around awhile, on 20 west, which actually did end up taking us to some good spots, and we did eventually find the motel 8 the both of them asked us to check out, however it wasnt easy going at all, most of this stuff was hard to find and really out of the way. so yeah.

freakouts of a rabid mind

that seems to be more accurate to describe whats going on here in this blog. i spoke with millie an old osu firend and she was telling me howi need to just stop with this england thing and get with the american program basically - and in a way she's right that im kinda being a bit imature about life in america its no that bad and all that but then i look at anita and i realize just hwo similar we are the reason milliec an say things like that to me is she has that differen view we dont share everythig anita got jealous when i spoke to her so that wasnt good by the way im not going to use punctuation in this blog its all about fast rapid writing now so fuck punctuation hah its a freakout after all but yeah ive got paul mccatrtney playing he's a cool dude good music and i covered his song just a bti ago apparently anitas sisters getting amrried again like this is the second proposal but she osunded happy i recorde her descirbing how she like actually got asked the question also im not gonna fuck with typosa and shit in this blog the backspace key will not be used but yeah boston so im supposed to go to bsoton i dont know seems cool maybe who knows but yeah millies righin in that i need to like maybe just get used to belonging more that its more about living in the now and enjoying what i have instead of necssarily trying to chase some dream but then of course without dreams what are we you know like ive got all sorts of dogma in my head about chasing dreams and such and then the representatives of the pincacles of human thogut einstein and the electricity guys they stuck with it and came out the other end maybe i will too i know they had real dysfunctional lives but they made huge ganis for humanity i just wonder like maybe i havent examined the fact thati may end up coming out of this sorta dysfunctional ha maybe im really guarded which isnt a good thing but yeah mccartney rocks this album in particular is rediculously good i mean like its just top shit but yeah there's also sigur ros those two albums really give me the backdrop i need to be able to do some amazing things with text. but yeah there's something about the whole idea that i have to put myself in the unknown and shit i just dont understand like why i need to do that. it seems kinda crazy because like if i do put myself out there then its like what comfort can i draw on millie says there's new comfort in the knowledge that the old comfort is gone and lost forever but in british culture they realy like to pull you into the fold maybe she's just so america than she's told herself that like its just not possible to like people to really feel comfortable and stuff that she's doomed to be on the edge always and i think thats maybe not the best way to live maybe its better to live on the edge sometimes but you cant peform at your best if youre not doing something thats really thougt thruogh and stuff you dont always have to be at knifepoint to really sit there and do it all like that but also like my folks andfamily didnt raiese me to be like living life on the edge. but see there's a thing about me like everything i psosible like im always open to everything and thats kinda interesting to me like i canentertani anything anyone says and its liek thats true fluidity bitch ahh but yeah so anitas sister she's got a dtrial coming up for like basically determining her future freedom will she be able to dtermine whsaat she does and shit but isntead if sh loses she'l ahve a steward or something who'll control her life and shit which'd suck but yeah that's what she's facing anita had a court date with the cops for speeding which made us hit the courthouse alot until she got her liscense she's got 10 bucks but a passport costs 200 and my dads getting old hah moms just had a surgery and sister seems horribly depresseed and skinny dad seems horribly depressed too and all three of them seem to freak otu all the time the more i examine them the more i understand them the more of a problem i seem to see its a crazy situaton that comes from the immigration that we went through back in 95 and before that in 92 so yeah those thing s had shit efects on us but the folks never bridged the gap and you can see the real difficulty and pain they face and thats essentially what im trying to fix. people who tell me move on and do my own thing fuck them they have no fucking concern for their fols and they'd probably stick 'em in a home when they got real old. i just couldnt see myself doing that hah. maybe hire a dude and stick em in my house. but yeah mccartneys fucking awesome and this album is in my opinion probably his best. chaos and creation in the backyard hah. its like basically spelling the dude out like chaos and creation thats the creative proeess and then in the backyard well thats like showing how a regular dude in a regularp place can make something amazing and thats kinda the premise for the writing of chaos and creation kinda i guess mccartneys way of getting into the whole home recording fad of the day verus like te bhoemian hipster thing of the ancient 60s and stuff. times have changed social movements have died and trends are different. many of the old have died and may have beenborn since then. the world is refreshed and most of maccartneys type have quieted up or died off. thats the way it works like the conveyer belt of the tectonic plates wipe it clean and start anew so im living in abasment which might shound shit but its kinda nice lots of room and shit and there's a fan on my back carpet beneath myf eet chair udner my ass and keys under my fingers glasses on my nose and girlfriend to my left window to my right music at my front and bed behind me this is my place mys pace away from the shit outside the conservatism stares and shit the way that it just fucking fucks with you i guess mille cant imagine it ebcause shes not a creative person like im a creative person and my shit comes from in my head and out but she has to kinda intersect with other things to really do much at all and thats the difference she plays a role a service to a ocmpany that pays her but i create my product and peddle it on my time so i answer to myself and noone else. thats the freedom of it and thats really a much more grassroots approach to making money and a living as wellas product but she does have cool jobs like the whole thing abotu raising money for like charities and stuff like she kinda does that nad its humanitarian but yeah tolkien cool dude he's dead but wrote some good shit and that influenced dnd which influenced eq which is a game ive played 9 years niw so thats had its mark on me i started games with the genesis and then mvoed through to the well what was it the megadrive haha and then the n64 followed by the dreamcast and then the xbox so yeah good setup there but eventually of course you set eah game saide because theyse arent very good games. but yeah net culture is a good thing and yeah i wonder to millie perhaps why my viw cant be accepted in her eyes i mean im willing to be open enough to really understand her views and stuff but i wunder is she open enough to understand mine thats the thing but yeah i divided my life into chapters 1 is england and wales 2 is chicago 3 is england again 4 is ohio 5 is hs 6 is college and 7 is life after where ive kinda done alot of fixing of my family immigration fucked us alot but ive spent time since 06 fixing the damage opening commuication lines discussing past topics and the like and just working through things whichs generally a good thing i think but yeah sitting there gettnig things out your head letting yourself be productinve with what you do. i mean its one thing to do nothing but ive built my experience into a doctrine and ocument something i can read and ponder about later thats the thing about it the volumous texts ive contributed to stand alone on their own two feet as osomething ive achieved they are my achievements and if they be frowned upon theyn those people basically wont get my flavor if i find my life fulfilling then yeah thats basically it how dare a person i know come to me and say hey your life isnt fulfilling there's things you do that just suck. i mean there's kirby teh douchebag who got me into drugs alcohol and ohio state three things which basically stuck with me for an entire chapter of my life and really didnt help anythng i wasted time perhaps persuing whatever this fool had in store for me and it wasted what i had then i came home and undid the damage and also tried ot undo further damage from previous situations but yeah thats kinda what im working on here.