freakouts of a rabid mind

that seems to be more accurate to describe whats going on here in this blog. i spoke with millie an old osu firend and she was telling me howi need to just stop with this england thing and get with the american program basically - and in a way she's right that im kinda being a bit imature about life in america its no that bad and all that but then i look at anita and i realize just hwo similar we are the reason milliec an say things like that to me is she has that differen view we dont share everythig anita got jealous when i spoke to her so that wasnt good by the way im not going to use punctuation in this blog its all about fast rapid writing now so fuck punctuation hah its a freakout after all but yeah ive got paul mccatrtney playing he's a cool dude good music and i covered his song just a bti ago apparently anitas sisters getting amrried again like this is the second proposal but she osunded happy i recorde her descirbing how she like actually got asked the question also im not gonna fuck with typosa and shit in this blog the backspace key will not be used but yeah boston so im supposed to go to bsoton i dont know seems cool maybe who knows but yeah millies righin in that i need to like maybe just get used to belonging more that its more about living in the now and enjoying what i have instead of necssarily trying to chase some dream but then of course without dreams what are we you know like ive got all sorts of dogma in my head about chasing dreams and such and then the representatives of the pincacles of human thogut einstein and the electricity guys they stuck with it and came out the other end maybe i will too i know they had real dysfunctional lives but they made huge ganis for humanity i just wonder like maybe i havent examined the fact thati may end up coming out of this sorta dysfunctional ha maybe im really guarded which isnt a good thing but yeah mccartney rocks this album in particular is rediculously good i mean like its just top shit but yeah there's also sigur ros those two albums really give me the backdrop i need to be able to do some amazing things with text. but yeah there's something about the whole idea that i have to put myself in the unknown and shit i just dont understand like why i need to do that. it seems kinda crazy because like if i do put myself out there then its like what comfort can i draw on millie says there's new comfort in the knowledge that the old comfort is gone and lost forever but in british culture they realy like to pull you into the fold maybe she's just so america than she's told herself that like its just not possible to like people to really feel comfortable and stuff that she's doomed to be on the edge always and i think thats maybe not the best way to live maybe its better to live on the edge sometimes but you cant peform at your best if youre not doing something thats really thougt thruogh and stuff you dont always have to be at knifepoint to really sit there and do it all like that but also like my folks andfamily didnt raiese me to be like living life on the edge. but see there's a thing about me like everything i psosible like im always open to everything and thats kinda interesting to me like i canentertani anything anyone says and its liek thats true fluidity bitch ahh but yeah so anitas sister she's got a dtrial coming up for like basically determining her future freedom will she be able to dtermine whsaat she does and shit but isntead if sh loses she'l ahve a steward or something who'll control her life and shit which'd suck but yeah that's what she's facing anita had a court date with the cops for speeding which made us hit the courthouse alot until she got her liscense she's got 10 bucks but a passport costs 200 and my dads getting old hah moms just had a surgery and sister seems horribly depresseed and skinny dad seems horribly depressed too and all three of them seem to freak otu all the time the more i examine them the more i understand them the more of a problem i seem to see its a crazy situaton that comes from the immigration that we went through back in 95 and before that in 92 so yeah those thing s had shit efects on us but the folks never bridged the gap and you can see the real difficulty and pain they face and thats essentially what im trying to fix. people who tell me move on and do my own thing fuck them they have no fucking concern for their fols and they'd probably stick 'em in a home when they got real old. i just couldnt see myself doing that hah. maybe hire a dude and stick em in my house. but yeah mccartneys fucking awesome and this album is in my opinion probably his best. chaos and creation in the backyard hah. its like basically spelling the dude out like chaos and creation thats the creative proeess and then in the backyard well thats like showing how a regular dude in a regularp place can make something amazing and thats kinda the premise for the writing of chaos and creation kinda i guess mccartneys way of getting into the whole home recording fad of the day verus like te bhoemian hipster thing of the ancient 60s and stuff. times have changed social movements have died and trends are different. many of the old have died and may have beenborn since then. the world is refreshed and most of maccartneys type have quieted up or died off. thats the way it works like the conveyer belt of the tectonic plates wipe it clean and start anew so im living in abasment which might shound shit but its kinda nice lots of room and shit and there's a fan on my back carpet beneath myf eet chair udner my ass and keys under my fingers glasses on my nose and girlfriend to my left window to my right music at my front and bed behind me this is my place mys pace away from the shit outside the conservatism stares and shit the way that it just fucking fucks with you i guess mille cant imagine it ebcause shes not a creative person like im a creative person and my shit comes from in my head and out but she has to kinda intersect with other things to really do much at all and thats the difference she plays a role a service to a ocmpany that pays her but i create my product and peddle it on my time so i answer to myself and noone else. thats the freedom of it and thats really a much more grassroots approach to making money and a living as wellas product but she does have cool jobs like the whole thing abotu raising money for like charities and stuff like she kinda does that nad its humanitarian but yeah tolkien cool dude he's dead but wrote some good shit and that influenced dnd which influenced eq which is a game ive played 9 years niw so thats had its mark on me i started games with the genesis and then mvoed through to the well what was it the megadrive haha and then the n64 followed by the dreamcast and then the xbox so yeah good setup there but eventually of course you set eah game saide because theyse arent very good games. but yeah net culture is a good thing and yeah i wonder to millie perhaps why my viw cant be accepted in her eyes i mean im willing to be open enough to really understand her views and stuff but i wunder is she open enough to understand mine thats the thing but yeah i divided my life into chapters 1 is england and wales 2 is chicago 3 is england again 4 is ohio 5 is hs 6 is college and 7 is life after where ive kinda done alot of fixing of my family immigration fucked us alot but ive spent time since 06 fixing the damage opening commuication lines discussing past topics and the like and just working through things whichs generally a good thing i think but yeah sitting there gettnig things out your head letting yourself be productinve with what you do. i mean its one thing to do nothing but ive built my experience into a doctrine and ocument something i can read and ponder about later thats the thing about it the volumous texts ive contributed to stand alone on their own two feet as osomething ive achieved they are my achievements and if they be frowned upon theyn those people basically wont get my flavor if i find my life fulfilling then yeah thats basically it how dare a person i know come to me and say hey your life isnt fulfilling there's things you do that just suck. i mean there's kirby teh douchebag who got me into drugs alcohol and ohio state three things which basically stuck with me for an entire chapter of my life and really didnt help anythng i wasted time perhaps persuing whatever this fool had in store for me and it wasted what i had then i came home and undid the damage and also tried ot undo further damage from previous situations but yeah thats kinda what im working on here.