seven years ago

seven years ago...
im 23 today, so i was... 16 then.
the year is 2009 now, so it was... 2002 then.
so in 2002 i was living in 397 colonial drive.
i was going to MVS... um... this would probably be my summer vacation right now. my summer vacation between my junior and senior year.

and uh... i was on the soccer team so i mighta been practicing soccer right now. and uh... i think i was playing everquest too. probably was going to temple still. and uh... i hadn't yet drank any alcohol. never smoked a ciggarette. and certainly never done a drug. that didn't happen for yet another year. on my 17th birthday i drank for the first time. and then...

but yeah at 16 i had a putka, and a beard. i had glasses like i do now nad i used to weigh alot. i was probably depressed. i mighta been taking latin classes. it was the year after this after this summer that i went in and skipped alot of classes. but i still did pretty good. I might've been taking guitar lessons. and i was definately in the jazz band. i think in the school year before this summer i had released my own album. i hadn't yet played my show in front of the school though. so i'd been through a couple immersions. i hadn't gone to japan. but i had studied photograph @ sinclair, and i had studied recording music on my own. i had flown a plane, um... learned to shin do a bit, i'd also learned tai kwon do. so i'd already like... moved from econo lodge, to stonebridge, and from stonebridge to colonial drive. i hadn't yet done that england trip in between high school and college. i kinda like divide my life into chapters so its like

chapter one- wales and england
chapter two- chicago
chapter three- the return to england
chapter four- ohio
chapter five- highshcool in ohio
chapter six- college in ohio
chapter seven- life after college in ohio

so like... this part of my life, you could call it chapter 5 highschool in ohio. it was still a summer in between two school years, so it was like... still uh... basically... right there in the middle of the highschool period. and uh...

so like i usually takl about how, i really just didn't enjoy my time at that highschool. i used to play cards with the black kids and the goth kids at lunch. although really we didnt have any goth kids. we had more stoner 60s rock kids. plus all the indian kids except for one hung out together. that one indian kid hung out with all the white kids. and like, he wanted to do that. cause he was a friend of mine before he used to go to the temple with me. and uh... basically... just went to the school and decided he didn't wanna hang out with any of the indian kids. i mean i look at it and say he was probably ashamed of the indian kids. cause this was a friend of mine who was a friend for at least 5 or 6 years. well i probably met him in 1995. and so like... by 2002 thats already seven years. but as soon as he came to the school he just ditched our friendship. which was just absolutely sick to see. because im the kinda person who never really does that to anybody.

the kid was sikh, he had a putka on. and i was the only other sikh with a putka. but like.... he played golf with all the golf kids. and uh... i dunno i mean his dad is kinda stuck up. i called his dad up to see if he was doing alright. i heard he had some issues with a law school not letting him take a test with a turban. and the thing is... when i called him he was like oh its fine its fine, and then when i asked if i could takl to him he was like oh he's not here. and the only thing i can think of is that... once he called me up out of the blue... way before... and he was like hey do you wanna hang out? and i was like no. and uh, he just never called since then. so to me its just like the kid just doesnt have a backbone. people who dont look out for their childhood friends are pieces of shit in my mind. ts like because youve aged those people dont matter now? thats like the ultimate sign of basically a very malicious person. i mean i understand this whole concept that people seem to parrot about moving on. but thats something people tell you to do you never tell yourself to do it. and i just feel like nobody in their right mind would abandon their own past. for better or worse thats who you are as an individual. and to me its like... they're just not being true to who they are. but i guess in a way its kinda like watching people go down the conservative road. like constantly things telling you what you can and cannot do. and telling you you have to cut friendships here and make strategic ones here. and its just like... to me its probably one of the most disgusting and hurtful things a person can do. to basically pretend like they dont know you. and to basically act like youre a fool when they know exactly why you do what you do. and its like... thats just basically shitty behavior... if you can't rely on your friends then, thats shit. and i mean im not saying it was easy being a friend of mine. but all they had to do was listen to what i had to say every now and then. i mean i didnt even really go to their houses and shit cause i wasnt really allowed to leave the house. so its like... they dont really have much to bitch about. and i mean i didnt even really insult them either. i just feel like so many hurtful and negative things got done at that school. and i just feel like nothing good ever came from those hurtful things. and this kid was just one amongst many kids that i had different fallings out with. and to me its like, how can all these people stand by while im living in this torturous situation. to me its just like, neglect. like watching someone die right in front of your eyes. and all you need to do is give 'em a drop of water but you refuse. so they just die slowly gasping in front of your eyes. and to me thats just how i felt like i got treated in highschool. by the teachers not just by the kids. because i mean like... a teacher is an adult. if an adult can't look at that situation and understand it, there's no excuse. children rely on adults for guidance in the world. and these fucking neglectful ass teachers. i understand that their job is to teach kids. but that doesnt mean that they are exempt from helping kids out. anybody in a childs life who is an adult has a responsibility to that child. especially when they're being paid to be responsible for that child. from the hours of 9 to 3 or whatever school hours are. those teachers are being paid money to teach the kid but also not kill them. and to me its just like... some major injustices took place at that school. i couldn't name exactly what it all was. because honestly i havent taken the time to think about it. but its definately something thats worth thinking about. i kinda feel like the jewish kids had something to do with it. like they just had this aversion to me. and i mean just because youre unconfident doesnt mean you dont have anything to say. maybe they were just all developing kids. but i just feel lke there was something extra worse for me that set me apart. maybe it was the immigration stuff that'd gotten to an all time low. maybe all those years of not being allowed to do stuff were taking their toll. plus at this point i had been mistreated by allthe women i'd come across, liekly for a 7 year period. and i definately think it was mistreatment. i feel like its the same kindof thing that motivates people to stare in the mall. that same thing was at work in my highschool. that there was this sense of judgement and alienation. and i dont believe that thats something that all highschools have. i think that thats a very conservative attribute. and i just feel like, its just one of those things that happened to me that i havent adaquately talked about.

like, take the latin teacher. basically... i kinda feel the guy was maybe racist. but if he wasnt racist he was basically favoring some students. other students he would almost be angry with all the time. and the thing about these teachers is they never tell you why they're angry with you. they basically just are, always, pissed off at you.

so there was this other guy who taught senior english. and i actually liked the stuff he taught. that subject has actually been something i liked for many years after. and for many years before too. but this guy managed to make it a miserable process. like he again was just always pissed off and just disapproving towards me. and i just feel like that was completely uncalled for.

art class was always good. there was a guy called gartzka and another girl called kretzler. and they were fun and accepting. but i almost feel lke i wasnt being accepted for my religion and skin color. but not only that, i think also i was like... not being accepted for being depressed? like... i just feel like they didn't wanna deal with somebody who had problems at home. i mean i guess you could have called me a troubled kid. or maybe a problem kid. because i had alot of issues at home. i dont like the word issues. because thats the kinda thing that they woudl say towards me. like they would say oh youve got issues. and the way they would say it is oh you're clinically insane. like there was something wrong with me personally in my brain. but not only that, but that i would always be fucked up til i died. and i mean like... that was hammered into my head alot. like alot of people were trying to brainwash me into thinknig stuff like that. and um... sports was another thing that kinda bridged gaps. cause it was a chance to get out there and do your own thing. but the basketball was rediculous because they were very competative. but of course with my home situation i just couldnt keep committed to anything. and so like again, they love to make you feel ashamed.

i think shame is one of the worst things you can do. it just destroys peoples lives. and i mean im not a conservative. im not even from this part of the world. i wasnt born on this soil. and i dont even believe in these values of the people who live ON the soil. to me its just a fucking terrible situation.

but the thing about school is, you can't get away. like... you can hide away from the people in the malls and stuff. you can even hide away from your parents in your bedroom. but you cant hide away from the schools. and it was just torturous and terrible every time. like i mean... it just absolutely was horrible. i never wanted to be there, i never wanted to be around any of those people. and these kids were like jewish kids were like kids of wealthy jewish people. and like... you can imagine dayton ohio how those people are near UD. thats basically what the type of person was that went to my school. and what i resent is nobody in my friend circle after gave me a clue. kirby for instance. like one of the things that kid never did was help give me a clue about what the situation was in highschool. because he was the kind of spazz out type of dude. and i liked to ask questions and get to the bottom of things. so it was like... there were alot of dead ends where we had shared experiences but he didnt wanna talk. and ebcause i wasnt as confident about what i was doing at that time, it was easy for peple to kinda persuade me that it was the wrong thing. to ask questions about your past ot think about your past. but the thing is thought is how you kinda figure everything out. but the thing is the kid was so conservative he just learned to accept whatever they gave him. see whatever negative shit that happened to me because of conservatism was at its worst in highschool. so i mean like... its just a shitty situation. and these people like went overboard trying to destroy me. and like i feel like watching people like my friend angad... i watched people who were once indian just assimilate. but likei couldn't assimilate. i mean maybe i could've... but its because i moved so many times that i had a limit. its easy to accept what other people think when you dont think anything yourself... but i mean like... i had all these thoughts from england. and like... these kids were basically asking me to abandon everything i believed... which maybe is a much harsher thing of what they were asking my friend... and uh... i mean its like... there's just alot of bullshit involved with that period of my life. imean it was such an exclusive restrictive kindof environment. and the thing is conservative people would like you to believe that what they think is how the world works.

i mean i dont like talking about this shit, because it just makes me feel alot weaker as a person. and thats because... whatever bad that happened to me in highschool... has stuck with me for many years. and im working now for the first time to get rid of it. i know how to fix it now. but i just need like nobody interfering. maybe its because i dont trust anybody. because like... for so many years... ive had to like... go from person to person... who basically nobody gave a shit about me... who always had bad advice... and who always gave me advice that made things worse and not better... and somewhere along the line i kinda learned to solve my own problems... cause my parents couldnt solve them for me either... but its like... so i had to solve my own problems... but the thing is... nobody wants to be alone in the world... we're fucking social beings... but like for about half of my life i was really alone... so its like... i had to learn how to fix my own problems... and now that im an adult... i can go back and look back... and i can like... understand it in an adult way... which has a profoud effect on my view of the past... and like... the more you talk about it... the less powerful the past will be... because that simple concept the more you know the less other things have power over you... that simple concept always holds true...

so what im trying to do... is like go back into my past... explore those things which... have fucked my life up... learn what i can... discuss it alot... like i have to become an expert on everything thats happened to me... and its only then when ive really discussed it alot... and ive gotten any insights i could've gotten from talking about it... thats when im able to like overcome it completely... and when you overcome something thats been on your mind for awhile its great... but this is kinda something that ive pushed to the back of my mind... and its like... and now that i pull it back out its almost like i havent thought about it at all... and its like... because its so fresh... its got alot of pain to it... its like talking about vivek when i first met you... you saw how it was when i was talking about vivek... like youre the one who always takls about it... how like when i talked about vivek i seemed different... right?...

so the thing is... the more you talk about stuff... and you deserve to be able to talk about stuff thats hurt you... cause if you dont talk about it then it continues to hurt you... so thats kinda like the thing about all that... that you have to like kinda vent it out... and thats kinda like wha tmakes it... i guess better... most of the people around here dont know what healing is really... even my parents havent really completely udnerstood the concept... ive had to learn how to heal myself and my family... but the good thing is once you have that skill you can help anybody with it like you... i mea im never gonna enjoy helping people... but like its something that i know how to do... and its nice that i can do it for myself... and the thing is how do i remain young... and still do all this aging stuff... like it really ages somebody to deal in this dark stuff... but its also purifying too... like... you talk about it... and its like... it just gives you a chance to express your emotion on something... and we all need our oppertunity to express our emotion about things... because we are human beings after all... everybody has emotions and everybody wants to get rid of them... so... when its... when im thinking about myself... and i wanna talk about the bad things that've happened to me, i could talk about vivek dying, i could talk about how my highschool was. and there's other things. and over tmie by continually writing about these things... you begin to have a clearer picture about your life. you understand what it is thats hurt you and helped you. and the key thing is that alot of these things are things you havent had the chance to express about yet. and thats key because youve gotta get your emotions out. and like... when youre repressed but youve got alot to say... that kinda fucks you because it kinda guarentees for the next ten years youre gonna be trying to express things you couldn't before. maybe thats one of the things and goals about my music. but definately when i write its an aoppertunity to talk about different stuff. the key though is not to lose yourself completely in emotion. you kinda have to remember that life is a fight. we're fighting to live. our body will die if we dont eat food and drink water. i mean thats a fight the pursuit of stuff that keeps you alive. life is a fight. and we should never forget that. that a) its a fight and b) its a fight worth fighting for. and um... so we can't like... jut abandon ourselves to emotion. that's the way that ahealthy person avoids becoming depressed. because depression is a trap and its also kinda gluttonous. because... if you let yoruself become depressed what youer doing is... a) you've decided that youd on't wanna fight for your own life... which means... b) you're being fucking selfish... and almost spoilt... because life is a gift that you've been given... so much of the matter in the universe is not alive... and its like... youre gonna sit there and be rich but throw it all away for nothing?... cause i mean its like... spoilt rich kid?... just walking around whining about stuff when they've got alot of oppertunities... the best thing they can do is take advantage of their oppertunities and do some good... and when you do take advantage of your oppertunities and you do do some good... thats probably one of the most rewarding things you can imagine... so basically someone whose depressed is basically saying fuck all that... they're basically saying screw this gift... and they're also saying screw whatever gave me this gift... i don't care about them, i don't care about the gift... and obviously you were given life by your parents... but i mean... if you wanna takl about god or whatever then maybe god gave life to the first blob... so you can kinda call god your grandfather and your mom and dad your parents... if you want... if you believe the theory that we just appeared... which makes just about as much sense... the idea that life just appeared in the oceans because of chemical reactions... or the idea that some imaginary dude made everybody... i dont even like the word chemical... its got a very hospital like sound to it...