death-sadness

alright so...
im thinking there's a few possibilities here

i may have like, a moment where i realized all the shit i went through seemed a hell of alot more real than it has in the past and suddenly that made me conceptualize either vivek kirby or myself in a position of death and i had a personal mini crisis regarding where i would end up once i die

you may have had a mini crisis faced with the thoughtful possibility of my death or perhaps my need for help which then unnerved you for having to provide such a supportive role in such an uncharacteristic way, which makes you feel weird

you might have gotten such a bad influence from depressed mom & sister, depressed sister and two brothers, and bad background, plus crazy grandma, and sociopath grandfather, that its rough for you to imagine a god or a spirituality of any time without really having major hangups about it

so its like
your mom & family influence
or like your fear of being supportive

but perhaps there's residual effects from never mourning the death of your girlfriend so long ago, something that bothered you months ago, and now you seem fine, but there still seems to be a lingering sadness with regards to the death topic. thats what im not liking.

death-sadness can be a blanket depression that puts a dampner on your life. fear of death can be a subtle mute on life. or general sadness given the malaise or perhaps even nihilistic ending to something you once saw as gay and merry might've been a shock to the system and something that generally killed belief, like once maybe you were upbeat and chipper but unrelenting sarcasm and shit of friends killed your belief for the fanciful, and eventually you ended up cornered by nihilistic beliefs. maybe this kinda like, had you facing down a belief you didn't want, but you felt you had to accept, so in the end this made you feel sad, although you never moved to the part where you coldly accepted it, instead you just continued to feel quite sad.