thoughts on boston 2

sitting in a hotel room with an hour 20 left on the timer before checkout. no breakfast included. we're downtown. earlier on we were hearing alot of sirens. i guess that was ok. but yeah, we've been booked in some faraway place. might suck, who knows, its south of watertown, so its way out there.

hade another call from kirby. he doesn't know i'll be changing my number soon. it'll be interesting when that day does roll around. i don't know. it'll be rough. i guess there's alot of emotions left to get out. like the guy was there through alot of shit. and i mean, those emotions seem to take priority over my modern outrage over the hospital incident. i guess you could say there's unfinished business. of what kind, im not sure. but we spent alot of time together. like, iknow he's gay. but it's like, i'm not. so there's boundaries as to how good a friend we could be. plus he's got that raging depression that makes it super hard to really talk to the kid. but yeah. i dont know. and then the negativism. like he'll shoot a million holes in you, he used to do that all the time, now he holds back, and you can tell it's an effort for him hah. he's trying not to be an asshole on the phone, even though its kinda hard, since he has so many ways he's actually being one.

but yeah, why the hell does this guy have such a hold over me. this dude, who i hung with during mvs. is he just simply my connection to the past? i recently found a thing on facebook, it was of mvs, and it was like all these kids faces who i recognized, none whom i'd really tried contacting. well, i did, all of them, years ago, but none bothered to respond. that was a real bummer. but then, i guess i went to a tiny school with few folks that i generally got along with. after all, in a school of 200, and a class of 50, there's hardly any fringe element. but yeah. that's me. i never really got into the whole do all the shit thing. i just read a post by a girl whose mother worked at mvs and went there her entire life. she was in various clubs and sports, as well as drama. and i was thinking to myself... wow. i did none of that. and its like, this is essentially what i missed out on. beyond doing a few music things here and there, there was hardly anything that i really got involved in. like, other peoples folks, they'd encourage them, mine really wouldn't though. they'd just constantly give up on me.

and now we've been talking together anita and i on giving up on people. how its just probably one of the worst things a person could do. never give up on someone. especialy if youre in a relationship with them. giving up on someone is like basically making a statement without the verbatim words that you're done and want to end the relationship. that's essentially what it breaks down to.

for whatever reason it's still rough for me to think about, and talk to, old highschool friends. maybe kirby has never moved on, that definately makes it hard for me to do so. no job, no education, and he's got a certain depression about it too. i mean yeah