freakouts of a rabid mind

that seems to be more accurate to describe whats going on here in this blog. i spoke with millie an old osu firend and she was telling me howi need to just stop with this england thing and get with the american program basically - and in a way she's right that im kinda being a bit imature about life in america its no that bad and all that but then i look at anita and i realize just hwo similar we are the reason milliec an say things like that to me is she has that differen view we dont share everythig anita got jealous when i spoke to her so that wasnt good by the way im not going to use punctuation in this blog its all about fast rapid writing now so fuck punctuation hah its a freakout after all but yeah ive got paul mccatrtney playing he's a cool dude good music and i covered his song just a bti ago apparently anitas sisters getting amrried again like this is the second proposal but she osunded happy i recorde her descirbing how she like actually got asked the question also im not gonna fuck with typosa and shit in this blog the backspace key will not be used but yeah boston so im supposed to go to bsoton i dont know seems cool maybe who knows but yeah millies righin in that i need to like maybe just get used to belonging more that its more about living in the now and enjoying what i have instead of necssarily trying to chase some dream but then of course without dreams what are we you know like ive got all sorts of dogma in my head about chasing dreams and such and then the representatives of the pincacles of human thogut einstein and the electricity guys they stuck with it and came out the other end maybe i will too i know they had real dysfunctional lives but they made huge ganis for humanity i just wonder like maybe i havent examined the fact thati may end up coming out of this sorta dysfunctional ha maybe im really guarded which isnt a good thing but yeah mccartney rocks this album in particular is rediculously good i mean like its just top shit but yeah there's also sigur ros those two albums really give me the backdrop i need to be able to do some amazing things with text. but yeah there's something about the whole idea that i have to put myself in the unknown and shit i just dont understand like why i need to do that. it seems kinda crazy because like if i do put myself out there then its like what comfort can i draw on millie says there's new comfort in the knowledge that the old comfort is gone and lost forever but in british culture they realy like to pull you into the fold maybe she's just so america than she's told herself that like its just not possible to like people to really feel comfortable and stuff that she's doomed to be on the edge always and i think thats maybe not the best way to live maybe its better to live on the edge sometimes but you cant peform at your best if youre not doing something thats really thougt thruogh and stuff you dont always have to be at knifepoint to really sit there and do it all like that but also like my folks andfamily didnt raiese me to be like living life on the edge. but see there's a thing about me like everything i psosible like im always open to everything and thats kinda interesting to me like i canentertani anything anyone says and its liek thats true fluidity bitch ahh but yeah so anitas sister she's got a dtrial coming up for like basically determining her future freedom will she be able to dtermine whsaat she does and shit but isntead if sh loses she'l ahve a steward or something who'll control her life and shit which'd suck but yeah that's what she's facing anita had a court date with the cops for speeding which made us hit the courthouse alot until she got her liscense she's got 10 bucks but a passport costs 200 and my dads getting old hah moms just had a surgery and sister seems horribly depresseed and skinny dad seems horribly depressed too and all three of them seem to freak otu all the time the more i examine them the more i understand them the more of a problem i seem to see its a crazy situaton that comes from the immigration that we went through back in 95 and before that in 92 so yeah those thing s had shit efects on us but the folks never bridged the gap and you can see the real difficulty and pain they face and thats essentially what im trying to fix. people who tell me move on and do my own thing fuck them they have no fucking concern for their fols and they'd probably stick 'em in a home when they got real old. i just couldnt see myself doing that hah. maybe hire a dude and stick em in my house. but yeah mccartneys fucking awesome and this album is in my opinion probably his best. chaos and creation in the backyard hah. its like basically spelling the dude out like chaos and creation thats the creative proeess and then in the backyard well thats like showing how a regular dude in a regularp place can make something amazing and thats kinda the premise for the writing of chaos and creation kinda i guess mccartneys way of getting into the whole home recording fad of the day verus like te bhoemian hipster thing of the ancient 60s and stuff. times have changed social movements have died and trends are different. many of the old have died and may have beenborn since then. the world is refreshed and most of maccartneys type have quieted up or died off. thats the way it works like the conveyer belt of the tectonic plates wipe it clean and start anew so im living in abasment which might shound shit but its kinda nice lots of room and shit and there's a fan on my back carpet beneath myf eet chair udner my ass and keys under my fingers glasses on my nose and girlfriend to my left window to my right music at my front and bed behind me this is my place mys pace away from the shit outside the conservatism stares and shit the way that it just fucking fucks with you i guess mille cant imagine it ebcause shes not a creative person like im a creative person and my shit comes from in my head and out but she has to kinda intersect with other things to really do much at all and thats the difference she plays a role a service to a ocmpany that pays her but i create my product and peddle it on my time so i answer to myself and noone else. thats the freedom of it and thats really a much more grassroots approach to making money and a living as wellas product but she does have cool jobs like the whole thing abotu raising money for like charities and stuff like she kinda does that nad its humanitarian but yeah tolkien cool dude he's dead but wrote some good shit and that influenced dnd which influenced eq which is a game ive played 9 years niw so thats had its mark on me i started games with the genesis and then mvoed through to the well what was it the megadrive haha and then the n64 followed by the dreamcast and then the xbox so yeah good setup there but eventually of course you set eah game saide because theyse arent very good games. but yeah net culture is a good thing and yeah i wonder to millie perhaps why my viw cant be accepted in her eyes i mean im willing to be open enough to really understand her views and stuff but i wunder is she open enough to understand mine thats the thing but yeah i divided my life into chapters 1 is england and wales 2 is chicago 3 is england again 4 is ohio 5 is hs 6 is college and 7 is life after where ive kinda done alot of fixing of my family immigration fucked us alot but ive spent time since 06 fixing the damage opening commuication lines discussing past topics and the like and just working through things whichs generally a good thing i think but yeah sitting there gettnig things out your head letting yourself be productinve with what you do. i mean its one thing to do nothing but ive built my experience into a doctrine and ocument something i can read and ponder about later thats the thing about it the volumous texts ive contributed to stand alone on their own two feet as osomething ive achieved they are my achievements and if they be frowned upon theyn those people basically wont get my flavor if i find my life fulfilling then yeah thats basically it how dare a person i know come to me and say hey your life isnt fulfilling there's things you do that just suck. i mean there's kirby teh douchebag who got me into drugs alcohol and ohio state three things which basically stuck with me for an entire chapter of my life and really didnt help anythng i wasted time perhaps persuing whatever this fool had in store for me and it wasted what i had then i came home and undid the damage and also tried ot undo further damage from previous situations but yeah thats kinda what im working on here.

Drugs & Freak-Outs

been watching the cleaner. powerful show, about a guy who goes around, former junkie himself, getting other people off drugs. its sort of his calling after he got saved himself by a friend. the story goes through how essentially nobody is rock solid, how people get left behind as folks need to make choices to best suit their life & family. there was a scene where the former mentor has succumbed to addiction, leaving a needle in his former students bathroom, and he tells the guy, " i don't want you ever in my house again, but i'll help you." and the old mentor goes, "but i saved your life man" and he goes, "yeah, i know, now i need to live it"

powerful stuff.

but yeah it just brings me back to my time with vivek, he was a junkie, and a friend as well. and it just reminds me so much of my decision at one point to distance myself from the guy because of his addiction. i knew it was bad for me and i had to protect my interests. and its amazing because this show just does a real focus on how folks deal with this sort of thing. its a close up on the relationships and dynamics involved. and i guess i wasn't prepared for the power of the show, but it really has effected me alot. like, i really 'til this point have had a childs point of view on the drug scene.

i mean lately ive been doing some work and figuring stuff out. like the whole drug thing, its a bad thing, that people get you into, and the folks that've gotten you into it have introduced you to a world of pain. so to me its like, i go one step further than the show does and i fault those that introduce you to the drug as well. i mean youve got the dealers sure, but to me its the users who introduce other kids to the drug that really piss me off. those're the folks i spent the most time wiht and its their poor judgement that endangered my own life. and thats the thing, thats exactly why i really hate some people that've shared classes and apartments with me. they've done nothing but really fuck my life up. introducing me to certain things, and of course when you first get into it you only see the up side. course these folks had been with it long enough to know the dark side of it too. only they dont really share that with you. and when you get your crash, they're long gone.

but yeah. thing's've been rough. so we've got this freakout thing. apparently i freak out. seems like when people give me feedback on my music. also seems like the same when people give me feedback on my words. not sure why, but that sucks. kinda brings me down. makes me human i guess you can say. like the idea that if reakout sucks. but yeah. it makes sense. like the mania that takes hold. thats a freakout. in the past ive just learned to let myself freak out on a blog and i eventually feel better. its a new idea to think that i shouldn't be freaking out at all. new altogether.

so this freakout thing is tough. im not sure what to do. never am with new things. but thats ok, i'll figure it out. always do. just takes a matter of time for my vision to become unclouded and i'll eventually be able to see. it's about seeing eye to eye with anita. there's things in the way of us really being right down hrdcore with each other. but yeah. it's a rough thing to try and come over it.

it's never good to realize there's something wrong with you. but i knew going into this relationship i'd be exposed to new things. and anita's big thing is shame. so like, she's good at making you feel ashamed as well as making herself feel it too. so its like, you realize youre doing something, but she doesn't like rush to kinda give you any ehlp with it, its like the best she does is just make you aware of something bad about yourself, and just kinda leaves you with it. which kinda sucks. but i dont know if its necessarily worth protecting myself from. i mean its something new and its like expanding my horizons maybe. but yeah, this freakout thing. i mean it totally makes sense. my dad freaks out. when you stalk to him he seizes up and tenses up and immediately you feel like the guy is like strangling youw ith his mind. sister freaks out too, you say hi when she walks in and immediately she's like super tense. mom too, like say anything to her and she's like freaking out, going through how everyones against her and stuff. but this's the first tmie i've had like a unified theory of freakouts. and its interesting to see how i fit into all this. i seem to freak out when like, i ask for criticism about music, or like that sorta stuff. like im not really asking for criticism but feedback. and then like, anita'll say that i really pounce on her when she does say what she think, and its true. i mean from my end of it i think that what she says sucks. but from her end she thinks i freak out. so at least one person on the end of it thinks the other is freaking out. but yeah not sure. im not sure if i agree im freaking out. not sure i disagree. not sure what to think. its new to me because my folks really havent been on the ball enough to ever accuse me of being it. so for anita to is kinda a stroke in her favor showing how really hardcore she can be in figuring me out. she's a smart one, i've known this for ages. as smart as me. and she's got alot of stuff going on that i need. and she's really just ripping me apart, in a good way, and what's left is really good. like i've done all the comfortable growing, now before me lies an uncomfortable change, something that'll do me good to be gone but to examine makes me feel uncomfortable and unhappy. ah well, growing pains as they say. im not sure if im necessarily ready to stop freaking out. its a weird thing. its something ive never really thought about before. like... never has it really crossed my mind. real weird really. but yeah. kinda crazy shit.

seven years ago

seven years ago...
im 23 today, so i was... 16 then.
the year is 2009 now, so it was... 2002 then.
so in 2002 i was living in 397 colonial drive.
i was going to MVS... um... this would probably be my summer vacation right now. my summer vacation between my junior and senior year.

and uh... i was on the soccer team so i mighta been practicing soccer right now. and uh... i think i was playing everquest too. probably was going to temple still. and uh... i hadn't yet drank any alcohol. never smoked a ciggarette. and certainly never done a drug. that didn't happen for yet another year. on my 17th birthday i drank for the first time. and then...

but yeah at 16 i had a putka, and a beard. i had glasses like i do now nad i used to weigh alot. i was probably depressed. i mighta been taking latin classes. it was the year after this after this summer that i went in and skipped alot of classes. but i still did pretty good. I might've been taking guitar lessons. and i was definately in the jazz band. i think in the school year before this summer i had released my own album. i hadn't yet played my show in front of the school though. so i'd been through a couple immersions. i hadn't gone to japan. but i had studied photograph @ sinclair, and i had studied recording music on my own. i had flown a plane, um... learned to shin do a bit, i'd also learned tai kwon do. so i'd already like... moved from econo lodge, to stonebridge, and from stonebridge to colonial drive. i hadn't yet done that england trip in between high school and college. i kinda like divide my life into chapters so its like

chapter one- wales and england
chapter two- chicago
chapter three- the return to england
chapter four- ohio
chapter five- highshcool in ohio
chapter six- college in ohio
chapter seven- life after college in ohio

so like... this part of my life, you could call it chapter 5 highschool in ohio. it was still a summer in between two school years, so it was like... still uh... basically... right there in the middle of the highschool period. and uh...

so like i usually takl about how, i really just didn't enjoy my time at that highschool. i used to play cards with the black kids and the goth kids at lunch. although really we didnt have any goth kids. we had more stoner 60s rock kids. plus all the indian kids except for one hung out together. that one indian kid hung out with all the white kids. and like, he wanted to do that. cause he was a friend of mine before he used to go to the temple with me. and uh... basically... just went to the school and decided he didn't wanna hang out with any of the indian kids. i mean i look at it and say he was probably ashamed of the indian kids. cause this was a friend of mine who was a friend for at least 5 or 6 years. well i probably met him in 1995. and so like... by 2002 thats already seven years. but as soon as he came to the school he just ditched our friendship. which was just absolutely sick to see. because im the kinda person who never really does that to anybody.

the kid was sikh, he had a putka on. and i was the only other sikh with a putka. but like.... he played golf with all the golf kids. and uh... i dunno i mean his dad is kinda stuck up. i called his dad up to see if he was doing alright. i heard he had some issues with a law school not letting him take a test with a turban. and the thing is... when i called him he was like oh its fine its fine, and then when i asked if i could takl to him he was like oh he's not here. and the only thing i can think of is that... once he called me up out of the blue... way before... and he was like hey do you wanna hang out? and i was like no. and uh, he just never called since then. so to me its just like the kid just doesnt have a backbone. people who dont look out for their childhood friends are pieces of shit in my mind. ts like because youve aged those people dont matter now? thats like the ultimate sign of basically a very malicious person. i mean i understand this whole concept that people seem to parrot about moving on. but thats something people tell you to do you never tell yourself to do it. and i just feel like nobody in their right mind would abandon their own past. for better or worse thats who you are as an individual. and to me its like... they're just not being true to who they are. but i guess in a way its kinda like watching people go down the conservative road. like constantly things telling you what you can and cannot do. and telling you you have to cut friendships here and make strategic ones here. and its just like... to me its probably one of the most disgusting and hurtful things a person can do. to basically pretend like they dont know you. and to basically act like youre a fool when they know exactly why you do what you do. and its like... thats just basically shitty behavior... if you can't rely on your friends then, thats shit. and i mean im not saying it was easy being a friend of mine. but all they had to do was listen to what i had to say every now and then. i mean i didnt even really go to their houses and shit cause i wasnt really allowed to leave the house. so its like... they dont really have much to bitch about. and i mean i didnt even really insult them either. i just feel like so many hurtful and negative things got done at that school. and i just feel like nothing good ever came from those hurtful things. and this kid was just one amongst many kids that i had different fallings out with. and to me its like, how can all these people stand by while im living in this torturous situation. to me its just like, neglect. like watching someone die right in front of your eyes. and all you need to do is give 'em a drop of water but you refuse. so they just die slowly gasping in front of your eyes. and to me thats just how i felt like i got treated in highschool. by the teachers not just by the kids. because i mean like... a teacher is an adult. if an adult can't look at that situation and understand it, there's no excuse. children rely on adults for guidance in the world. and these fucking neglectful ass teachers. i understand that their job is to teach kids. but that doesnt mean that they are exempt from helping kids out. anybody in a childs life who is an adult has a responsibility to that child. especially when they're being paid to be responsible for that child. from the hours of 9 to 3 or whatever school hours are. those teachers are being paid money to teach the kid but also not kill them. and to me its just like... some major injustices took place at that school. i couldn't name exactly what it all was. because honestly i havent taken the time to think about it. but its definately something thats worth thinking about. i kinda feel like the jewish kids had something to do with it. like they just had this aversion to me. and i mean just because youre unconfident doesnt mean you dont have anything to say. maybe they were just all developing kids. but i just feel lke there was something extra worse for me that set me apart. maybe it was the immigration stuff that'd gotten to an all time low. maybe all those years of not being allowed to do stuff were taking their toll. plus at this point i had been mistreated by allthe women i'd come across, liekly for a 7 year period. and i definately think it was mistreatment. i feel like its the same kindof thing that motivates people to stare in the mall. that same thing was at work in my highschool. that there was this sense of judgement and alienation. and i dont believe that thats something that all highschools have. i think that thats a very conservative attribute. and i just feel like, its just one of those things that happened to me that i havent adaquately talked about.

like, take the latin teacher. basically... i kinda feel the guy was maybe racist. but if he wasnt racist he was basically favoring some students. other students he would almost be angry with all the time. and the thing about these teachers is they never tell you why they're angry with you. they basically just are, always, pissed off at you.

so there was this other guy who taught senior english. and i actually liked the stuff he taught. that subject has actually been something i liked for many years after. and for many years before too. but this guy managed to make it a miserable process. like he again was just always pissed off and just disapproving towards me. and i just feel like that was completely uncalled for.

art class was always good. there was a guy called gartzka and another girl called kretzler. and they were fun and accepting. but i almost feel lke i wasnt being accepted for my religion and skin color. but not only that, i think also i was like... not being accepted for being depressed? like... i just feel like they didn't wanna deal with somebody who had problems at home. i mean i guess you could have called me a troubled kid. or maybe a problem kid. because i had alot of issues at home. i dont like the word issues. because thats the kinda thing that they woudl say towards me. like they would say oh youve got issues. and the way they would say it is oh you're clinically insane. like there was something wrong with me personally in my brain. but not only that, but that i would always be fucked up til i died. and i mean like... that was hammered into my head alot. like alot of people were trying to brainwash me into thinknig stuff like that. and um... sports was another thing that kinda bridged gaps. cause it was a chance to get out there and do your own thing. but the basketball was rediculous because they were very competative. but of course with my home situation i just couldnt keep committed to anything. and so like again, they love to make you feel ashamed.

i think shame is one of the worst things you can do. it just destroys peoples lives. and i mean im not a conservative. im not even from this part of the world. i wasnt born on this soil. and i dont even believe in these values of the people who live ON the soil. to me its just a fucking terrible situation.

but the thing about school is, you can't get away. like... you can hide away from the people in the malls and stuff. you can even hide away from your parents in your bedroom. but you cant hide away from the schools. and it was just torturous and terrible every time. like i mean... it just absolutely was horrible. i never wanted to be there, i never wanted to be around any of those people. and these kids were like jewish kids were like kids of wealthy jewish people. and like... you can imagine dayton ohio how those people are near UD. thats basically what the type of person was that went to my school. and what i resent is nobody in my friend circle after gave me a clue. kirby for instance. like one of the things that kid never did was help give me a clue about what the situation was in highschool. because he was the kind of spazz out type of dude. and i liked to ask questions and get to the bottom of things. so it was like... there were alot of dead ends where we had shared experiences but he didnt wanna talk. and ebcause i wasnt as confident about what i was doing at that time, it was easy for peple to kinda persuade me that it was the wrong thing. to ask questions about your past ot think about your past. but the thing is thought is how you kinda figure everything out. but the thing is the kid was so conservative he just learned to accept whatever they gave him. see whatever negative shit that happened to me because of conservatism was at its worst in highschool. so i mean like... its just a shitty situation. and these people like went overboard trying to destroy me. and like i feel like watching people like my friend angad... i watched people who were once indian just assimilate. but likei couldn't assimilate. i mean maybe i could've... but its because i moved so many times that i had a limit. its easy to accept what other people think when you dont think anything yourself... but i mean like... i had all these thoughts from england. and like... these kids were basically asking me to abandon everything i believed... which maybe is a much harsher thing of what they were asking my friend... and uh... i mean its like... there's just alot of bullshit involved with that period of my life. imean it was such an exclusive restrictive kindof environment. and the thing is conservative people would like you to believe that what they think is how the world works.

i mean i dont like talking about this shit, because it just makes me feel alot weaker as a person. and thats because... whatever bad that happened to me in highschool... has stuck with me for many years. and im working now for the first time to get rid of it. i know how to fix it now. but i just need like nobody interfering. maybe its because i dont trust anybody. because like... for so many years... ive had to like... go from person to person... who basically nobody gave a shit about me... who always had bad advice... and who always gave me advice that made things worse and not better... and somewhere along the line i kinda learned to solve my own problems... cause my parents couldnt solve them for me either... but its like... so i had to solve my own problems... but the thing is... nobody wants to be alone in the world... we're fucking social beings... but like for about half of my life i was really alone... so its like... i had to learn how to fix my own problems... and now that im an adult... i can go back and look back... and i can like... understand it in an adult way... which has a profoud effect on my view of the past... and like... the more you talk about it... the less powerful the past will be... because that simple concept the more you know the less other things have power over you... that simple concept always holds true...

so what im trying to do... is like go back into my past... explore those things which... have fucked my life up... learn what i can... discuss it alot... like i have to become an expert on everything thats happened to me... and its only then when ive really discussed it alot... and ive gotten any insights i could've gotten from talking about it... thats when im able to like overcome it completely... and when you overcome something thats been on your mind for awhile its great... but this is kinda something that ive pushed to the back of my mind... and its like... and now that i pull it back out its almost like i havent thought about it at all... and its like... because its so fresh... its got alot of pain to it... its like talking about vivek when i first met you... you saw how it was when i was talking about vivek... like youre the one who always takls about it... how like when i talked about vivek i seemed different... right?...

so the thing is... the more you talk about stuff... and you deserve to be able to talk about stuff thats hurt you... cause if you dont talk about it then it continues to hurt you... so thats kinda like the thing about all that... that you have to like kinda vent it out... and thats kinda like wha tmakes it... i guess better... most of the people around here dont know what healing is really... even my parents havent really completely udnerstood the concept... ive had to learn how to heal myself and my family... but the good thing is once you have that skill you can help anybody with it like you... i mea im never gonna enjoy helping people... but like its something that i know how to do... and its nice that i can do it for myself... and the thing is how do i remain young... and still do all this aging stuff... like it really ages somebody to deal in this dark stuff... but its also purifying too... like... you talk about it... and its like... it just gives you a chance to express your emotion on something... and we all need our oppertunity to express our emotion about things... because we are human beings after all... everybody has emotions and everybody wants to get rid of them... so... when its... when im thinking about myself... and i wanna talk about the bad things that've happened to me, i could talk about vivek dying, i could talk about how my highschool was. and there's other things. and over tmie by continually writing about these things... you begin to have a clearer picture about your life. you understand what it is thats hurt you and helped you. and the key thing is that alot of these things are things you havent had the chance to express about yet. and thats key because youve gotta get your emotions out. and like... when youre repressed but youve got alot to say... that kinda fucks you because it kinda guarentees for the next ten years youre gonna be trying to express things you couldn't before. maybe thats one of the things and goals about my music. but definately when i write its an aoppertunity to talk about different stuff. the key though is not to lose yourself completely in emotion. you kinda have to remember that life is a fight. we're fighting to live. our body will die if we dont eat food and drink water. i mean thats a fight the pursuit of stuff that keeps you alive. life is a fight. and we should never forget that. that a) its a fight and b) its a fight worth fighting for. and um... so we can't like... jut abandon ourselves to emotion. that's the way that ahealthy person avoids becoming depressed. because depression is a trap and its also kinda gluttonous. because... if you let yoruself become depressed what youer doing is... a) you've decided that youd on't wanna fight for your own life... which means... b) you're being fucking selfish... and almost spoilt... because life is a gift that you've been given... so much of the matter in the universe is not alive... and its like... youre gonna sit there and be rich but throw it all away for nothing?... cause i mean its like... spoilt rich kid?... just walking around whining about stuff when they've got alot of oppertunities... the best thing they can do is take advantage of their oppertunities and do some good... and when you do take advantage of your oppertunities and you do do some good... thats probably one of the most rewarding things you can imagine... so basically someone whose depressed is basically saying fuck all that... they're basically saying screw this gift... and they're also saying screw whatever gave me this gift... i don't care about them, i don't care about the gift... and obviously you were given life by your parents... but i mean... if you wanna takl about god or whatever then maybe god gave life to the first blob... so you can kinda call god your grandfather and your mom and dad your parents... if you want... if you believe the theory that we just appeared... which makes just about as much sense... the idea that life just appeared in the oceans because of chemical reactions... or the idea that some imaginary dude made everybody... i dont even like the word chemical... its got a very hospital like sound to it...

i'd prefer the word nerd to extremist

fucking rainbows? like i was thinkin to myself. you got red for indian. you got yellow for asian. white for white. black for black. i dont know if there's any blue people. but the point is if you use these old school colors. then its like... i mean i could see how you could have a half assed rainbow. but its like... people dont really look that way. some people are dark some people are light. but you know what. the only reason you can percieve color is because they can reflect sunlight differently. color isnt there for any other purpose... other than to show you how well it reflects light. darker things absorb it better... lighter things dont... dark skin's supposed to have developed in hotter regions. i think white people have higher rates of skin cancer cause their skins designed for colder weather... but its like... me being... politically welsh... but when you start to get racial... yeah ive got darker skin... but what i dont like... is when they say... youre brown... theyre like sidestepping your whole political affiliation... its liek theyre saying it doesnt matter where you were born... it doesnt matter where youre a citizen... it doesnt matter what culture youve got in your head... and to me its like those words are just disgusting... really disgusting... they try to like take you and turn you into a peace of flesh... like kinda how a prostitute is... a prostitute is just basically a pussy on legs... and i guess a black man is just basically... a minority on legs... its just a backwards ass way to see the world... people are from places... people believe things... thats what matters... color of their skin?... that doesnt even matter... just like the color of your hair or eyes dont matter... i mean i can see hwo there's the whole blonds are better than brunettes bullshit... that redheads are supposed to be all sexual... and people with dark hair dont have many hair products... but like... i really dont hear anything about how one eye color is better than the next... see for me its like... the way people treat eye color... is the way people should treat skin color and hair color and everything else... but not only that... its the only legitamate way to deal with human beings... and its like... so many of these people are just not worth listening too... because they jsut do what theyve been told... phrases and words that they've learned from people older than them... they dont realize where these words come from... and thats how racial things can become ingrained into a society... we're just coming out of htis whole british colonial era... where like people were taken over all around the world... and the people who had the guns were white... im sure if indians had the guns they'd be makin white jokes... but the point is not who was on top... but rather than anyone strived to be on top in the first place... the need to dominate other people is a universal human trait... and up until recently worldwide travel wasnt possible... now it is and youre starting to see people like third culture kids... the moer third culture kids that're out there the bigger it'll be... and thats an important thing because the world needs to become globalized... and the thing is we're running low on fossil fuels... so maybe this worldwide travel thing is going to stop being so important... because maybe they wont find alternative fuels to jets... maybe we'll revert to this place where every population is isolated... but the point is that right now the world is getting multicultural exposure... and for the first time distance is being bridged by technology... no longer will stories be the reference of what people are... instead they'll have first hand experiences that'll be readily available... and that's a good thing... this global travel situation is temporary... all these countries around the world are trying to stock up on their minorities... they know diversity breeds success in a global market... because the bottom line is your business partner is no longer white... but the real thing is that people have told stories for years... and now with the internet and global travel... and even to a lesser extent global media... people cna start to see beyond their stories and they can start to see the realities of who their neighbors are... and thats a good thing because they can start to see what the truth is about humanity... and as they do they'll start to realize how stupid racism is... as long as people stay in the same town like you did, and never meet different people like you did, they're gonna be isolated they're gonna tell stories about people they've never seen... it's kinda like stories about god and religion you tell stories about things youve never seen... and those stories get you in trouble when you get to meet your god face to face... for the middle easterners their stories have a negative twist... that has alot to do with current events today... with the blacks there's some negative and alot of positive... the whites have alot of positive and alot of negative too... you look at things like hollywood and its a white dominated thing... the refusal to allow people of different races to play roles is key... these are things that you can see on your own television screen and at the movie theatre... and then the way that people seem to just... feel like the stories they've been told are more authentic than the people they meet... thinking that their family is more important than a stranger... and therefore a family members misconception is probably more accurate than a stranger... this refusal to see truth in physical embodiment... is just a sign of our ignorant times and the lack of education... people are not taught about people who are unlike themselves... at least people who are called different by those in authority... be it the lawyer... the judge... the family member... the religious man... there's many vestiges of society within which a person can grow up... and when these people teach stories to their fellow men... and the real travesty is when there's stories in the bible that're taught to people... the bible... and all other religious texts... all these fools did was take their stories and write them down in a book... which ended up being the biggest mistake of their lives... because their own words are doomed to be misinterpreted for centuries... writing something down in a book is probably the worst thing you can do for your idea... because it gives people the right... at least they feel like its theirs... to go and misinterpret things to such extreme degrees... and when the book lives longer than the author... then the readers feel like they have the right to be the author themselves... and thats absolutely rediculous because those words were written with intent... these religious texts are not made to be flexible... they're telling stories with a purpose... but that purpose cant be understood today... there are no writings of what the author of the bible meant... and in present day youve got like more modern religions... like sikhism which has... since its only about 600 years old... there's way more stuff written by the actual founders... especially the last couple... but whats most important is the first guy of any religion... what exactly was he thinking and why did people follow him... for sikhism its the guy called nanak... and i mean he was kindof like this guy who amde up his own thing... and he like... traveled around and preached to people... enough people heard about it that they started followin him aruond... and eventually 600 years later it grew to be the worlds 5th alrgest religion... but then people have these books of stuff... and people think that they can take those words and turn them into whatever they want... and its like thats absolutely rediculous... its like youve got spin doctors trying to spin these bibles into new meanings... i mean alot of times these texts are written in very specific times... when those circumstances change then those philosophies dont hold true any longer... but the problem is that so many of these religions... theyre exalted way beyond the confines of their parameters of creation... and thats when you start to get into trouble... cause you cant just make up shit... youre not the one who persuaded thousands of people to believe you... the original dude is the one who had the power... and youre just sittin here today repeatin his words cause he was that good... we're taklin good speakers, great communicators... with a good message too... something that was compelling and drew people in... kinda likea good book or movie today... star wars star trek lord of the rings... if these were instead single people who preached... these could very well be the roots of the relgiions of the future... but the thing about a religion is its something to be enjoyed... its better to look at a religious person like a nerd than anything else... and then like all these people killin people for religious sake... thats a hell of alot more like the columbine shootings than some sort of dignified execution... so to me a religious person is like a nerd... theyre not real people... beyond the fact that they're real nerds... they're really not much beyond that... they're kinda like diehard fans of like, Bible: Stories of Jesus!... youve got the same thing with trekkies... star wars geeks... lord of the rings nerds... and then youve got bible! stories of jesus! nerds... we can call 'em bible nerds... well sometimes nerds can become violent... these people believe that theyre doing something great... but what if jesus's biggest followers were his biggest nerds... look at tolkien and lucas and... gene rodenberry... these guys werent so much nerds as they were brilliantly thoughtful people... and they werent just brilliantly thoguhtful people they were people with a message... lucas was a guy who did some lsd trips and wrote some stories... or i guess you could call it mushrooms its wasnt lsd... he was kinda like, a representative of the hippy age... i dont really know much about gene rodenberry... other than he was into equality and shit... and then youve got tolkien who was the world war 1 veteran... the guy who grew up on the farm... and watched all the factories start to take over... he was the nature guy... and he was the small town guy instead of the big city guy... nowadays 85 percent of americans live in the city... so tolkien kinda represented a different age and a different way of life... and you could almost call lord of the rings the swan song of those that lived in the towns and not the cities... the more rural people of the world... and so these guys kinda started their own movements in the world today... star trek kinda encouraging people to work universally with technology... praising science as humanities united difficulty... something that bridged race and... any difference... in star wars it kinda preached a personal spirituality... kinda like feeling one with the universe... very kindof hippy kindof thing very kindof eastern thing... and then with lord of the rings... then youve got this naturist praise nature praise the natural world... and a cautionary tale to anyone who wanted to damage it... all three of these people kinda represented ideals... and so do the major religions of the world... the ideals of being good to your common man and shit... its when you start to read too much into the movies and the books that you start to become a nerd... these things are not meant to be the answers to all questions... they're just merely suggested concepts that have universal interest... and its liekw hen you start to get way into these words... you just completely miss the point... you completely dodge the experience they're trying to give you... and instead you just kindof pull it apart... and you're left with nothing but tatters... and at that point you just don't enjoy it... it's at that part that people start to commit murder on the point of religion... these are people who are nerds who have lost the true meaning of these religions... no religion encourages death... all these religions are ideals on how to live amongst one another... depending on the circumstances of hte time of their creation... some may be brutal others may be fluffy... its entirely up to the writer of the book... and like... the darker stuff appeals to some people the lighter stuff appeals to other people... typically it has to do with the experience of the person... if they've been through a shitty time they might want to do something darker... its my experience that it's people still getting over something horrendous... these are the people who are recovering and in their recovery seek dark things... because they can understand dark things since they've experienced them... and its like... then there's people who like the lighter things... people who like... havent had it that rough... or mayeb theyve figured it out... and the things that're more light and postive kinda appeal to their temperment... but yeah... you kinda look at all these dark murdering muslim types... and you might look hard enough and find yourself a goth... or maybe youll find yourself someone whose depressed... or maybe youll find some columbine shooters... but to me thats a much better way to try to understand these people... instead of taking a step back and just claling them islamic fools... you have to remember these are people who just happen to have their favorite book be the quran... everybody has a favorite book... are you gonna kill someone cause they're favorites not the same as yorus?... its the nerds that take it to a step beyond what its meant to be taken... those're the people who can't be taken seriously and shouldn't be allowed tohave power... and typically they're not typically they're just called weirdos and lunatics... but to me i'd prefer the word nerd than extremist... nerd just kidna redicules them in just the right way... all they are is religious nerds... and we all know how to deal with a nerd... so my advice to the people of this planet... is simple... when you see somebody do soemthing youd ont like... and you know that theyre doing it because they believe in something so strongly... remember that the best word to describe 'em is nerd hah... and so that's kinda like my thing...

trying to get all the kinks out and you know what? i think the no music thing was a very good one, kinda like gave me an oppertunity to see hings a bit differently, perhaps even like try things without the training wheels, i mean on one hand it was aterrible experience i was moody and irritable and just bothered by the passing of time and all that but on the other i think it was good for me because i thnk its good to put yourself in typically bothersome settings as it teaches you to just get used to it and try to kinda adapt. its like a challenge and in alot of ways just living among challenging settings are kinda like more or less prepping you for the way it can be like. lieke the importance of things on the wall goes way up through theroof as well as like, having magazines and stuff to read, and just other interesting things around you - basically with the absense of audio stimuli the visual need goes way through the roof. i mean its like trying to match just how awsome things were with like the constant blast of a million different minds all ordered for your listening pleasure on lastfm.

but yeah we've got WoW downloading and i'll go more in depth on that later on the gaming blog. it's taking a hell of alot of tiem though hah.

so one of the first things i notice when i turn lastfm on and listen through trakcs in my library is... well that there's upbeat stuff and then there's downbeat. bands like kaiser chiefs, ... and the majority of music i've listened to in the past has had a negative / pained vibe to it hah. surprise? no not really. suffering from the effects of immigration for so many years in silence as a child mostly mute not encouraged to speak and without proper adult supervision and guidiance, my way through teh world was a rough path strewn with added difficulty when compared to that of my peers wealthy established comfortable and well endowed in friends and community whilst i on the other hand styed indoors mostly disconnected with those who lived in close proximity to me. i was the exception to those in that shcool living as an immigrant does and i really think that a school such as MVS which is meant to encourage this whole rejuvination process of these people to help them assimilate and become great citizens, they should then since they seem to attract wealthy immigrant families that they should put something in place for those children who have just made their way through the country and are restablishing themselves that the school should try and educate the parents as well as children to try and avoid latent problems due to a lack of ability on the childs part to deal with the difficulty of immigration. and this to me seems really like the crux of the problem you can't really go around and try all the stuff you're attempting to without like completelys poiling things between you and your folks so things need to be arranged in such a way that you aren't stepping on toes from the get go rather than you are trying to do all you can to kindof make things as good as they can be for that is the way that we can move from day to day in a very calm way and we dont really have problems and issues that hide and perhps stem from the originator theimmigration that thing which should have been addressed at a young age but was not and this to me is the source of many problems in my life and perhaps also others who have immigrated as well and this is really the thing that ive really decided to see myself as, a third-culture-kid is a very potent and tangible thing for me because it describes who & what i am and what i've experienced and a way that i ca be distinguished from other people. that feeling of being different has been founded my whole life nad this is why, it's the quantified identification of those that have gone through shit and then emerged out the other end.

music is a reassurance that im trying to ween myself off of.

no music for a month: a success

so its been awhile since ive put on music and its nice to have some familiar stuff on hah. but yeah its nice to have music on. ive been without music for the past week which was kinda nice hah. i mean its nice to try different things and it has been different. its like, what is my life without music? kindof an answer to that question. life is so much better with a healthy dose of music in my mind. thought transferred to sound. and then upon that thought on image, moving image, acting, and perhaps writing, painting and the like. its just a more thoughtful way to live.

but yeah ive been without music for like a month and ite real clear how addictive music can be at least as a listening experience. trying to maximize stimulation with a bunch of different sources making you sore for twitch happy stuff. vut yeah its no good and its better offf for you if you dont try and pursue these kinds of things. but we're no longer in columbus anymore and its kinda cool we're in beavercreek been here awhile and slowly kinda gotten like acclimated to this place and its been real nice for sure. i changed up the view of this blog, im not sure if i like it or not but i think of it as a step forward, an evolution if you will, and its always good to step forward as the oppertunity presents itself. as it is, this format makes my own writing seem more professional which is something i cant argue with so im definatelyg oing to stick with it. the sun is up whichs kinda nice and neat hah doing a bit of a repeat of the behavior of mine from previous years stay up all night and do random crap then sleep all day, thats thelife man. so we've got this whole aspiration to hit boston and we'll soon see what comes of that. there's other places to check out as well, like seattle cali & the rest, but we'll see.

part of the issue was like anita would never know anything about any of the places i wanted to talk abiout and consider moving to so recently she's begun doing alot of wikipedia reading whichs kinda getting her up to speed on things whichs cool i think. and like im half dead tired but at least im like in a semi comfortable state with the music and stuff. and yeah the typing is alot more comfortable with some music playing. my friend jason is with his band and they still have not released an album of stuff yet and it just makes me wonder how slow and long he's gonna take. but one things for sure im way more focused if i dont have copious amounts of tunes being played in my ear all the time.

my fifth band

the columbus music scene reminds me of the donk documentary that i caught on the net awhile back - thoughtlses music for idiotic people... high basically spaz out factor, more or less freak-out music for jocks... thats all it really is in the end of the day... real dumb shit from working class areas...

fuond myself @ jason's myspace again... i should have a counter or something for all the times i check that shit out... i don't know... but yeah... it's interesting to think that gruop has been working on music for all these months and has not released a single thing... kinda strange but on the other hand perhaps it makes sense? i don't know... taking enough time to take all you can do and stick it on a track and just let it turn into something thick and potent...

conan's swapped up to top spot @ the tonight show which's kinda neat, but i think it's like perhaps another like... spaz out for the addicts out there, like freaking out, drugs, and twitch based games, so are television and other such things addictive in the same way... its the twitch youre addicted to...

precolumbian art, asian art
big band era music
think tv (pbs)
inside the whitehouse tv special
the anthropasphere

tenseness and denseness

seem to leave be defenseless. its this girl perhaps im not sure what she does but it kills me. closes me up and pressurizes my head. a conversation with an open person opens me up, but im reduced to blogging to get back to where i want to be on a typical day. ive refused the use of music as an aid because i want to experience my every in and out on the day. i'd rather avoid it than overly enjoy it and that way i make sure that i manage to do better things and see what that brings because thats more interesting to me and youll see ill try and do something new and something cool too and this will be what i try to make done and that'll be my current push for something fun but im tired of hiding behind music and now television and gaming these will go too in time these addictions have their own haven and it is not my body and mind its been far too unkind to me in my life so im leaving them behind and getting myself a new core and rind that'll be purer and cleaner and moreso me this twitch crazzy electronics age is now my true reality whilst i like teh sigur ros i need to get closer than most to the nature at hand and that'll keep me happy man that'll open me up and get me to no longer be fed up, open up and stop the tightness, that'll be something that'll keep me delighted. there seem to be a defecit of the benefits that ive grown to enjoy. strong and fit seems to be disallowed as people seem to walk around weak as hell and just as well for they dont know the joys of being a strong free person. liberated from the ploys of wayward girls nad boys, kids with beards and conservative bents. kid comes to visit and leaves hellbent. the destruction immense. the kinds mind completely dense and we in my defence had no idea of this damage dealt. so there is something that i dont understand why these types are still in demand but as we try to fix the wrongs then people go out and sing the songs instead of trying to fix it really hiding from problems instead of confronting them dearly thats the problem for goodness sake this hidden agenda will kill us all and we'll rake our reward as a retard and the things we do will be confused for stories and bluners things that'll come down like lightning and thunder and we've got to try and figure out what we're going to do there's nothing but me and you and we've got to get this right because it'll reward us with delight the fight we might find ourselves in will get ourselves closed up and held within thats the wrong way to do it the things we find ourself doing is foolish and stupid so we need to go and do all that we can we'll roam around and stay free of the land and we'll go around and do what we want but ill be liberated from the junk jaunt and that'll be better tha being bound by a sweater ive sweated your chains and they dont make me feel better im better than this and the kiss is better than the diss but the pains ive gained arent good and spoil me dude im trying to liberate this mind and satiate my need to no longer bleed be freed from the needless forced torture and adventurous foursome glory and other things that have me annoying and boring throughout the day every way i can find myself going through the mood never crude and always trying to find a way to leave those that were left behind moved here in 95 and it changed my life and this is the thing the mmigration is king and it ruined the family i couldnt communicate the calamity and that was somehting that had me hunting for truths so i spoke to those who knew and that got me to the point of understand the blistering and demanding way i go about each day is crazy but thats how it is i was laid and now get paid by none but at least it was fun on the stage nobody has come to see the show but it isnt cool though. the download of the elctronic crack goes tick tock tack the whack way we spend our day eyes in a gaze on the computer screen haze and this maze of words and ways we go with curds and speak to people at the store where they interupt my people we rty to speak but they stop us swiftly and try to masterfully keep ud thrifty but thats the way these people try to dominate its something terrible and a sick twist of fate being served by the server and told what to do thats hardly the way completely crude and rude dude and i wouldnt expect that completely whack and an absolute fact that these people are crazy but they're too lazy to try and avoid being hazy in stead they go about and try and act like trout flipping upriver against the current ist enough to make you reach for your quiver and try to go and do what you can to keep everyone from the terrible demand and this sees to be a major problem and there doesnt seem to be much else really... im trying to empy my head of the lead and heavy treads that keep me from being able to try and do what i can to be able to make the land... there's not much that we can do and we try and go through the ways we can to go through the daze and this keeps us from doing things...

marine biology seems interesting...

the oceans as a rainforest rather than a barren watery sea... interesting way to look at it. definately i need revisioning in my world-view regarding the sea.